Last updated: September 13, 2024
I am meeting with an Indian matchmaker now.
I have so many questions. I’ll tell you everything I learn.
“Dating apps are a dangerous hope,” she tells me.
There are 3 things that matter most to Indian singles when picking a partner:
- Religion / caste / sub-caste
- Money and income, and
- Education
I ask about height since height tends to be a top filter in America.
“If he is a little taller, that is nice. It will look good in photos. But it is not in the Top 5. Height is not as important as whether you will live in a nuclear family, in a household with the parents, or whether you will start a new home together.”
She will tell me something later, something about how people research their dates on the internet before the first meeting, that blows my mind. I will tell you about it soon.
But first: this is Radhika Mohta.
She has been matchmaking for 5 years and helped hundreds of couples.
“I help people see their dating blind spots.”
Today she has invited me into her home in Bengaluru.
She invited me to her home for what she calls my India Immersion.
“We could go to a restaurant, of course, and it would be fine. Or I could invite you into my home. To meet my husband and my parents-in-law. And we will cook for you and feed you. And you can eat my mother’s sweets. This is the Indian way. This is your India Immersion.”
Again I do not deserve this Indian hospitality. But I will graciously accept it.
I take off my shoes outside and we shuffle into the kitchen.
They make me a plate of idli.
It will be my third time eating idli today already but I see no need to share this information.
I like idlis anyway. They are a savory rice cake popular in South India.
Their idli comes with a coconut chutney and when I eat it I believe that I have finally found heaven.
It has almost an umami flavor with a great texture and a little sweet and it is finally not too spicy for my simple white tongue.
This is the best chutney I think I have ever had.
Her husband sees me scooping it up and serves me spoonfuls more. It is so good and I am happy.
Here is Radhika’s primary advice to single women in their 30s:
It is OK to expand your filters and relax your criteria.
You limit the guys now based on their horoscope, their caste, and their education.
But it is even OK to date someone younger. Her own husband is a few years younger and they are clearly in love.
If I want to find a partner she tells me that the first step is to write down a manifestation letter.
“Imagine your future self with your life and partner figured out. You are happy. You are abundant. Now how does that feel? How are you spending your time together?”
She tells me to write it down and that I will be in a better position to understand my own non-negotiables and what I want in my person.
I am afraid to do this but I probably should write it out.
//
For dessert her mother-in-law has made laddoos.
These are traditional Indian balls of sugar.
I am not good with sweets – I avoid them mostly – but this one is different.
It is dry and tastes like sweet sand and sugar dirt. I eat half.
Then I get some shredded gooseberries, homemade amla supari, which taste sour.
Radhika tells me to sip water afterwards and the taste in my mouth immediately changes to something soft and sweet.
These desserts are so different and new. It feels foreign in a good way. I am reminded why we travel.
//
The dating thing that blows my mind is that Indian singles often use LinkedIn for research on their matches.
Like private detectives, Indian people use Google Lens on someone’s dating photos.
Then with a little contextual profile information they figure out their LinkedIn.
And then they look at education and work history and begin to suss out a more complete picture of someone’s resume or balance sheet.
This very direct discussion of a dating prospect’s “balance sheet” is fascinating.
We talk more about Indian cultural norms in dating.
I ask about the events Radhika hosts and I show her an article I’m working on about how to host a dating salon.
Radhika loves it and we decide to host our own, tonight on Sunday 23 June 2024.
The cost is RS1500 and while I don’t usually charge for my events I know that Radhika is a true professional and it will be worth it.
“Dating apps can be a part of your portfolio but not the only hope. It can be a dangerous hope if we rely on them exclusively. Where do you exercise, volunteer, and go out? This is the more complete picture for meeting others and making relationships.”
I agree with this.
I think that you get out of dating almost exactly what you put into it.
And sometimes we need an outside eye to show us our blind spots and lead us to love.
THE END
Hi from Nick! Originally published on Twitter / X. I’ve been doing these interviews with people like this one and posting them on my Instagram and Twitter / X. I’ll add some others into the Profiles category. Leave me a comment if you liked this and I’ll try to add some more.